Healing after a toxic relationship begins by turning your attention inward — not to blame yourself, but to recognise the older wound that made the pattern feel familiar, and then to patiently rebuild a steady connection with yourself. Leaving is often necessary, and sometimes walking away is simply the best choice; but leaving stops the harm without dissolving the pattern that drew you in. Real recovery is the quieter work of meeting the part of you that once learned to seek closeness at the cost of itself. If the relationship involved abuse, this inner work belongs alongside — never instead of — support from a qualified therapist.

The wounds that shape our adult relationships often form far earlier than we can remember. In the landmark ACE Study, Felitti and colleagues found that adults reporting four or more categories of adverse childhood experience carried a 4- to 12-fold increased risk of depression, substance use and suicide attempts compared with those reporting none. Attachment research points the same way: in their foundational 1987 study, Hazan and Shaver showed that the way we bonded as children quietly shapes how we love, trust and fear as adults. None of this makes you broken. It makes the pattern understandable — and understandable patterns can change.

Why did the relationship feel familiar?

The most useful question after a toxic relationship is not how bad was the other person but why did this feel familiar. In this Value Verses conversation, Niels and Daniel Derweduwen — a therapist who works with these patterns daily — explore what Daniel calls the mirror: what we have not yet accepted in ourselves, we tend to recognise, and attract, in others. He is careful not to excuse anyone. Speaking about the stories he hears in his practice, he says the point “is not how bad the manipulator is, how bad the narcissist is — that is really not the point. The right question is: why did you attract a narcissist?” (translated from Dutch). This is not victim-blaming; it is the opposite. As long as the story stays they were the problem, nothing inside you can shift. The moment you ask what the relationship was mirroring, you become the person who can change it.

Daniel roots this in a simple principle: like attracts like — in Dutch, soort zoekt soort. When you carry an inner rejection, he argues, you tend to draw people who carry it too, and together you can slip into what he names the drama triangle of daders, slachtoffers en helpers — persecutors, victims and rescuers all circling the same unhealed wound. The pull toward the “wrong type” is rarely just bad luck. It is an old, unconscious loyalty to a hurt that is still asking to be seen.

Why “letting go” often fails

Stopping the pattern begins with a shift many people skip: turning toward the disowned parts of yourself instead of trying to get rid of them. Daniel is blunt that “letting go” of pain often backfires. In his framing, everything is energy, and whatever you give your attention to — even the pain you are fighting to release — you tend to keep alive. What he recommends instead is integration: giving your darker side, your schaduwzijde, a right to exist. “Make your shadow your best friend,” he says (translated from Dutch).

People very much want elevated, fulfilling relationships, but you can only have one once you have an elevated, fulfilling relationship with yourself. — Daniel Derweduwen (translated from Dutch)

In practice this means learning to notice a reaction before it drives you. When something a partner does triggers a disproportionate response — panic, contempt, the urge to fix or to flee — Daniel suggests treating that flare as information rather than instruction. It is pointing at an old, tender place. You do not have to act on the impulse, and you do not have to push it away; you can stay beside it the way you would sit with a frightened child. Over time the trigger loses its grip. This is slow, honest work — and it is far safer walked alongside a therapist or trusted guide than attempted alone, especially where trauma or abuse is involved.

What does healthy love actually feel like?

Healthy love, in Daniel’s account, feels like freedom rather than need. He draws a sharp line between connection and neediness: much of what we call love is really an exchange — I give you this so you give me that — driven by an inner emptiness we hope another person will fill. He also distinguishes infatuation from love, calling infatuation een aspect van liefde, one facet of it rather than the whole. Genuine love, he argues, expects nothing and controls nothing; it leaves the other person free to be fully who they are. You can only offer that once you have stopped demanding it of yourself.

That is why healing is not primarily about finding a better partner. It is about becoming someone who no longer needs a relationship to feel whole — and who, from that fullness, can finally build one worth keeping. Perfectionism and people-pleasing, Daniel notes, are often the fingerprints of the old wound: spending your life energy trying to be good enough in someone else’s eyes.

Common questions

Is it my fault I attracted a toxic partner?

No. Daniel is explicit that the wounds driving these patterns form unconsciously, often in the earliest, pre-verbal part of life, so there is no blame to carry — in his words, je hebt er ook geen schuld aan. Understanding your part in the pattern is not the same as being at fault for it; it is simply where your power to change lives.

Should I leave, or work on myself and stay?

Safety comes first. Daniel acknowledges that sometimes leaving the relationship is the best choice, especially where there is real harm. Inner work is not a reason to stay somewhere unsafe; it is what keeps the next relationship from repeating the last one.

Do I really need professional help?

For ordinary relationship pain, self-reflection and honest support can carry you a long way. But trauma, abuse and persistent depression or anxiety deserve a qualified professional. Reflection and therapy work best together, not as substitutes for each other.

This is the same movement traced in the path from inner transformation to outer change — the wider journey this work belongs to. If a toxic relationship left you feeling dimmed, you may also want to reclaim your inner spark and wisdom. And when you are ready to do this with structure and steady support, the Ramaekers Academy and a one-to-one personal session are there to walk it with you. Healing is not a destination you arrive at; it is a relationship with yourself you choose to keep tending.